Dear Barack Obama,
I am thrilled that you are the president-elect. I couldn't be happier that you are already publicly organizing your appointees and clearly laying out your plans for day one and beyond when you become president. That being said, could you please move your announcements to early afternoon? You are totally ruining my morning TV scheduling. How am I supposed to know what The View ladies are thinking when you are yapping on about effective government? I NEED to know what Rachael Ray is cooking today, and your economic plan is cutting in. Soap operas are practically a thing of the past- can't you blabber on when they're scheduled? Just a thought.
Thank you for your consideration.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Friday, November 21, 2008
Grandma MIA
http://www.tampabays10.com/news/watercooler/story.aspx?storyid=94363&catid=58
To the airline employee who misplaced the old woman:
Does this happen often? Were you just feeling lazy that day? Part of me hopes you are a super-cynical employee who thought "she won't know this is the wrong flight" and pushed her down the ramp. But that is the bad part of me. How sad that this woman was placed to wait at baggage claim IN THE WRONG CITY.
I wonder if they pushed her over by the unclaimed luggage office after all the other bags had been picked up. [insert guffaw here]
My Apologies.
To the airline employee who misplaced the old woman:
Does this happen often? Were you just feeling lazy that day? Part of me hopes you are a super-cynical employee who thought "she won't know this is the wrong flight" and pushed her down the ramp. But that is the bad part of me. How sad that this woman was placed to wait at baggage claim IN THE WRONG CITY.
I wonder if they pushed her over by the unclaimed luggage office after all the other bags had been picked up. [insert guffaw here]
My Apologies.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Colorado
Dear Colorado,
Our relationship got of to a rocky start. It was dreary. Visibility was low. And then there was the ice incident. A scary 180 degree turn on a bridge. Damage to my car. But as soon as we drove through the cloud cover of Denver, everything changed. The views were breathtaking. The air was refreshing. I actually felt more relaxed. Maybe it was the altitude change?
Driving into Boulder was even better. The mountains. The people. The attitude. I loved it all. Leaving made me sad. But no worries! I will return...hopefully with a moving truck and a car that can take the weather.
Smoochies.
Our relationship got of to a rocky start. It was dreary. Visibility was low. And then there was the ice incident. A scary 180 degree turn on a bridge. Damage to my car. But as soon as we drove through the cloud cover of Denver, everything changed. The views were breathtaking. The air was refreshing. I actually felt more relaxed. Maybe it was the altitude change?
Driving into Boulder was even better. The mountains. The people. The attitude. I loved it all. Leaving made me sad. But no worries! I will return...hopefully with a moving truck and a car that can take the weather.
Smoochies.
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
Yummy
Dear Panera,
I love your spinach and bacon souffle. Who am I kidding? I love all of your souffles! But there is a special place in my heart for the spinach and bacon. It combines items that I hold most dear: bacon, spinach, cheese, and flaky pastry. Add cheap, all-you-can-drink coffee and free wi-fi, and it's a wonder I ever go home. Serious thanks are coming your way from my heart.
Super Sincerely,
Me
I love your spinach and bacon souffle. Who am I kidding? I love all of your souffles! But there is a special place in my heart for the spinach and bacon. It combines items that I hold most dear: bacon, spinach, cheese, and flaky pastry. Add cheap, all-you-can-drink coffee and free wi-fi, and it's a wonder I ever go home. Serious thanks are coming your way from my heart.
Super Sincerely,
Me
Monday, November 10, 2008
Rudeness
Dear Angry Man at Smoke Shop,
I apologize that we require to see identification for every credit card used. I know how inconvenient it is for you to prove that you are, in fact, the person on the card. I realize that you are desperately in need of "some smokes" and that our policy "totally fucking sucks," but you still need to show me a picture ID. On a side note - your breath is rank and it looks like you have spilled the last three day's worth of food on your shirt.
Thank you for returning with cash. For future reference, there are two gas stations located less than a quarter-mile from our establishment. This would save you the hassle of having to deal with my smug looks and "better-than-you" attitude.
Good day sir.
I apologize that we require to see identification for every credit card used. I know how inconvenient it is for you to prove that you are, in fact, the person on the card. I realize that you are desperately in need of "some smokes" and that our policy "totally fucking sucks," but you still need to show me a picture ID. On a side note - your breath is rank and it looks like you have spilled the last three day's worth of food on your shirt.
Thank you for returning with cash. For future reference, there are two gas stations located less than a quarter-mile from our establishment. This would save you the hassle of having to deal with my smug looks and "better-than-you" attitude.
Good day sir.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Awesome
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/3369609/Teenager-changes-name-to-Captain-Fantastic.html
Dear Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined,
Your official name change makes me smile. Too bad your grandmother is no longer speaking to you.
Sincerely,
Me
Dear Captain Fantastic Faster Than Superman Spiderman Batman Wolverine Hulk And The Flash Combined,
Your official name change makes me smile. Too bad your grandmother is no longer speaking to you.
Sincerely,
Me
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Saturday, November 1, 2008
Wallabies
http://www.news.com.au/story/0,27574,24575276-29277,00.html
To the Terrorist Wallabies in Queensland, Australia:
I applaud you, wacky wallabies. You will not take the human invasion lying down. No siree! You have organzied amongst yourselves. Bravo! Senior citizens are terrified to leave their homes because you are destroying their property. Not only are you pushing them over while they scoot down the street using their walkers, you are pooping on their patios. RIGHT BY THE DOORS. Brilliant! If you aren't around to knock 'em down, you'll trip them up with feces. I love it. Really, I do. Thank you for making my day.
Love,
Me
To the Terrorist Wallabies in Queensland, Australia:
I applaud you, wacky wallabies. You will not take the human invasion lying down. No siree! You have organzied amongst yourselves. Bravo! Senior citizens are terrified to leave their homes because you are destroying their property. Not only are you pushing them over while they scoot down the street using their walkers, you are pooping on their patios. RIGHT BY THE DOORS. Brilliant! If you aren't around to knock 'em down, you'll trip them up with feces. I love it. Really, I do. Thank you for making my day.
Love,
Me
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