dear fake pine needles scattered across my floor,
why must you taunt me? I managed to take my tree down. I even put the rest of the decorations away. but you remain, a reminder of the season that is over.
I love the christmas season. I love the shopping. I love the food. I love the lights. I love that people are generally in a better mood than the rest of the year. but now it's over and all I have to look at are the imitation tree parts strewn about.
I wish you'd vacuum yourself.
until next year,
yours truly
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
Friday, May 8, 2009
personal space invasion
dear kind lady in the coffee shop,
we both got here pretty early. I settled in at 7, and you followed at 7:15. there were plenty of open tables out front. I chose to sit in the back room because I have to use the phone during business hours, and I prefer to avoid disturbing those who came for silence.
but you joined me in the back room. not just in the back room, but the chair closest to me. I could hear you breathing. really? you weren't comfortable anywhere else? you didn't even have a drink!
my theory is that you snuck in while the poor girl up front was washing dishes and camped out in the back corner to use the wifi. head's up...they don't care if you just use the wifi! especially when it's not busy and there are plenty of open tables. like today. when you sat right next to me.
sincerely,
the girl who answered her phone several times and kept sneezing in your direction.
we both got here pretty early. I settled in at 7, and you followed at 7:15. there were plenty of open tables out front. I chose to sit in the back room because I have to use the phone during business hours, and I prefer to avoid disturbing those who came for silence.
but you joined me in the back room. not just in the back room, but the chair closest to me. I could hear you breathing. really? you weren't comfortable anywhere else? you didn't even have a drink!
my theory is that you snuck in while the poor girl up front was washing dishes and camped out in the back corner to use the wifi. head's up...they don't care if you just use the wifi! especially when it's not busy and there are plenty of open tables. like today. when you sat right next to me.
sincerely,
the girl who answered her phone several times and kept sneezing in your direction.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
my "whoops"
dear owner of the green house with 70's style windows,
I'm sorry my dog dropped a big "deuce" in your front yard. he was totally off schedule today, and I was left without a baggie. I felt terrible...but there was no way I was going to pocket the evidence and carry it all the way home.
that's just not my style.
so next time you mow the grass, feel free to curse my name. or don't. because you don't know me. and next time I promise to encourage him to wait until we are off your property.
sincerely,
the shady girl trying to hide the fact that my dog was pooping on your front lawn
I'm sorry my dog dropped a big "deuce" in your front yard. he was totally off schedule today, and I was left without a baggie. I felt terrible...but there was no way I was going to pocket the evidence and carry it all the way home.
that's just not my style.
so next time you mow the grass, feel free to curse my name. or don't. because you don't know me. and next time I promise to encourage him to wait until we are off your property.
sincerely,
the shady girl trying to hide the fact that my dog was pooping on your front lawn
Friday, April 24, 2009
this one's for you, melody!
an open letter to women who use the gym as a social hour. from melody, voiced by me:
dear ladies,
I realize that you have a very full schedule. you have kids. you have a job. you can't always squeeze in a girl's night between PTA meetings and soccer games.
but.
the gym is not the appropriate place to meet your bff and have a long (and loud) conversation. it's possible that there is a line for the elliptical machine that you are barely moving on. it's also possible that people are giving you the death stare from their machine wishing you'd shut your trap so they could work out without your distracting behavior.
obviously you haven't taken the best care of yourself. the years of cheesecake are evident. but have you taken time to think that if you can have an enthusiastic conversation with a girlfriend without any labored breathing, maybe you aren't doing your body any good? I'm no trainer, but I watch a lot of workouts on tv. those people can barely breathe. there is no way they could carry on about their daily lives. perhaps it's time to take your conversation to the cafe next door and enjoy a scone. or a cocktail.
love,
the annoyed girl listening in on your conversation at the gym
dear ladies,
I realize that you have a very full schedule. you have kids. you have a job. you can't always squeeze in a girl's night between PTA meetings and soccer games.
but.
the gym is not the appropriate place to meet your bff and have a long (and loud) conversation. it's possible that there is a line for the elliptical machine that you are barely moving on. it's also possible that people are giving you the death stare from their machine wishing you'd shut your trap so they could work out without your distracting behavior.
obviously you haven't taken the best care of yourself. the years of cheesecake are evident. but have you taken time to think that if you can have an enthusiastic conversation with a girlfriend without any labored breathing, maybe you aren't doing your body any good? I'm no trainer, but I watch a lot of workouts on tv. those people can barely breathe. there is no way they could carry on about their daily lives. perhaps it's time to take your conversation to the cafe next door and enjoy a scone. or a cocktail.
love,
the annoyed girl listening in on your conversation at the gym
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I didn't know "going OJ" was a phrase
dear hulk hogan,
I previously wrote a post about your ex-wife and her 19 year old floozy. I realize how ridiculous she is. but you recently told a reporter that you could have really "gone OJ" on her. what with the sleeping the 20 million dollar house with the bleach blond teenage version of you and such. it is not ok to threaten death. to a reporter. who will print that kind of scoop.
my hat is off to you, sir. you have truly outdone your hulkmania with crazy talk.
I previously wrote a post about your ex-wife and her 19 year old floozy. I realize how ridiculous she is. but you recently told a reporter that you could have really "gone OJ" on her. what with the sleeping the 20 million dollar house with the bleach blond teenage version of you and such. it is not ok to threaten death. to a reporter. who will print that kind of scoop.
my hat is off to you, sir. you have truly outdone your hulkmania with crazy talk.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
entertainment
dear adam from american idol season 8,
I would never buy your cd. your style kind of annoys me. I think you wear too much eyeliner.
but OH MY GOODNESS can you rock a high note.
love,
a girl with an opinion that obviously matters to you
I would never buy your cd. your style kind of annoys me. I think you wear too much eyeliner.
but OH MY GOODNESS can you rock a high note.
love,
a girl with an opinion that obviously matters to you
Monday, April 13, 2009
a new level of lame
http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE53858P20090409
dear saudi man who divorced his wife through text message,
really? you texted "I divorce you" three times to your wife, and a judge UPHELD it as a legal divorce?
wow. let's take a look at where this falls on the skeeze-o-meter:
congratulations! you are most skeezey.
regards.
dear saudi man who divorced his wife through text message,
really? you texted "I divorce you" three times to your wife, and a judge UPHELD it as a legal divorce?
wow. let's take a look at where this falls on the skeeze-o-meter:
congratulations! you are most skeezey.
regards.
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