this one's for you, melody!

an open letter to women who use the gym as a social hour. from melody, voiced by me:

dear ladies,

I realize that you have a very full schedule. you have kids. you have a job. you can't always squeeze in a girl's night between PTA meetings and soccer games.

but.

the gym is not the appropriate place to meet your bff and have a long (and loud) conversation. it's possible that there is a line for the elliptical machine that you are barely moving on. it's also possible that people are giving you the death stare from their machine wishing you'd shut your trap so they could work out without your distracting behavior.

obviously you haven't taken the best care of yourself. the years of cheesecake are evident. but have you taken time to think that if you can have an enthusiastic conversation with a girlfriend without any labored breathing, maybe you aren't doing your body any good? I'm no trainer, but I watch a lot of workouts on tv. those people can barely breathe. there is no way they could carry on about their daily lives. perhaps it's time to take your conversation to the cafe next door and enjoy a scone. or a cocktail.

love,
the annoyed girl listening in on your conversation at the gym

I didn't know "going OJ" was a phrase

dear hulk hogan,

I previously wrote a post about your ex-wife and her 19 year old floozy. I realize how ridiculous she is. but you recently told a reporter that you could have really "gone OJ" on her. what with the sleeping the 20 million dollar house with the bleach blond teenage version of you and such. it is not ok to threaten death. to a reporter. who will print that kind of scoop.

my hat is off to you, sir. you have truly outdone your hulkmania with crazy talk.

entertainment

dear adam from american idol season 8,

I would never buy your cd. your style kind of annoys me. I think you wear too much eyeliner.

but OH MY GOODNESS can you rock a high note.

love,
a girl with an opinion that obviously matters to you

a new level of lame

http://www.reuters.com/article/oddlyEnoughNews/idUSTRE53858P20090409

dear saudi man who divorced his wife through text message,

really? you texted "I divorce you" three times to your wife, and a judge UPHELD it as a legal divorce?

wow. let's take a look at where this falls on the skeeze-o-meter:



congratulations! you are most skeezey.

regards.

big trucks

dear big truck drivers,

I apologize for my years of criticism. you see, recently I was forced to drive a four-door F150 while my little, economical civic is in the shop.

and yes, it has changed my life.

no, I can't park it. yes, I scare people in traffic. but I can see for miles from that high up! and there's so much room in the cab! and if I needed to haul anything (besides my dog) I'd be set! I am one roadtrip away from blasting rascal flatts and a little garth for good measure.

yee haw!